Women...Sexy, wonderful, loving, a mystery. Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., Sexologist & Relationship Expert, answers some questions to make the fairer sex easier to understand.
Q: Why do women not orgasm as frequently as men do during intercourse? What can couples do to even the score?
A: The majority of female orgasms come from the clitoris. In case you didn’t know, that is the feel-good spot towards the top of the vulva where the labia meet. Unfortunately, during intercourse, this area is not stimulated. To increase the likelihood that a woman will climax during penetration, couples can incorporate vibrators (and even fingers) into their sex play. This will ensure that the clitoris is not left out of the equation.
Q: Why do women not give oral sex to men as often as they’d like? What can men do to encourage women to give oral sex more often?
A: The image of a man pushing a woman’s head towards his groin isn’t that appealing. It doesn’t always taste good. And the "brush your teeth before you kiss me" line is a turnoff. If you want more oral sex, the answer is simple. You can offer to pleasure your woman orally first. Chances are, she will be so delighted, that she will be happy to return the favor. And do us a favor; kiss her after she’s done it. It will accentuate your manhood.
Q: How can men tell if their girlfriend/wife has a "guy friend" or an ex-boyfriend who’s out for something more? What can guys do to keep infidelity from happening?
A: Most women don’t tell their boyfriends/husbands if they have a guy friend or ex in their lives. And that’s simply because we know that you will overreact. But if you know that this guy is in her life, ask what they have been doing. Is he taking her to places you took her to, when you were attempting to win her over? When you run into him, does he avoid eye contact? If he seems shady, chances are he might have a thing for her. (And you would know.) But that does not mean that your girlfriend feels the same. Women like attention, and this friendship may just be an ego boost. Before you pick a fight, make sure you have all the facts.
And don’t go crazy if you notice that your girlfriend is "Google-searching" ex-boyfriends. We have a tendency to do that, not because we’re interested in them, we are just curious.
Q: Why do women require so much more communication in relationships than men? What can men do to satisfy their need for communication?
A: It isn’t that we need more communication, we just know that you are not paying attention to us. If you want us to stop bothering you, you could actually listen to what we are saying. And not just every other word. If you prove that you can repeat what we’ve said, we will harass you less.
Q: Why do men fall into the habit of becoming a "domesticated" guy? What can men do to combat the fact that a relationship has infringed on their individuality?
A: People assume that once you are a couple, you are bound to be a twosome forever. This isn’t the case. The best relationships are those where each partner has his/her own identity. Blending personalities creates boredom. Granted, there are some times when this works, but we fell in love with you for a reason. We want you to spend time with us, but not at the expense of you losing that which turned us on in the first place. In order to ensure that both partners maintain their individuality, schedule guys’ (and girls’) nights out. (And this may only be once a month). You will have fun with your friends, and still love to come home to your partner.
Q: Why is it so threatening if their girlfriend/wife is more "experienced" than they are in bed? How can guys turn this to their advantage?
A: Secretly, we always wonder if we are good in bed. We assume that if our girlfriend/boyfriend are more experienced then, they are constantly comparing us to other people. And, if your girlfriend is more experienced, she may have done things that you have never tried (and you might be jealous). But instead of worrying (or being envious), think about it this way — after all of her experience, she chose you. That says something about your skills in the bedroom!
Q: My girlfriend has extremely hot friends, and we’re going on a beach trip together. I’m worried about getting an erection. Is there anything I can do to control it if I get aroused?
A: You may be attached, but you’re not dead. (And neither are we.) Of course it’s possible to find other people attractive — that’s what fantasies are all about. But I would be lying if I said that your girlfriend would be comfortable with you getting an erection by looking at her best friend. Chances are, your beach trip would come to a quick end with no sex for you whatsoever. The problem with erections, which you may remember from pubescent days, is that you can’t control when they happen. However, the best way to get it down quickly (other than thinking of baseball or your mother) is to relax and try to ignore it. The brain is a powerful organ, and once you are aroused, it triggers a series of hormonal and neurological responses that affect the state of your penis. If you are distracted (by thinking about mom), it may sabotage the sexual response cycle and send your penis back to flaccidity. If worse comes to worst, you can be proactive and put on swimwear that straps in your penis or jump into the water and swim it off. Of course, covering yourself with a towel won’t hurt either.
Q: What determines how hard an erection is? Can you influence it?
A: Like grains of sand on the beach, no two erections are alike. There will be times when your erection is so powerful that it might poke someone’s eye out, and others when it seems like your penis isn’t paying attention. Mainly, the degree of "hardness" depends upon how much blood has flooded your penis. If you can find a way to trap more blood inside the penis, you will have a harder, longer erection. This is why some men play with sex toys like cock rings. But you have to be careful. If you have an erection for an extended period of time or if your "ring" is too tight (or not designed for sex play), you can damage nerves and tissues. A natural alternative to influence the quality of your erections is simply to stay healthy. That means not smoking, as it has been found to decrease blood flow to your genitals. And if all else fails, and if you watch television, you know that there are many pharmaceuticals designed to aid your erectile performance. If you have a sexual dysfunction, these drugs may help, but should only be prescribed by your doctor. For the most part, good sex is less about "how hard" and more about "how well" you communicate with your sexual partners.
Q: Why is vacation sex better than the stay-at-home kind? How can I have mind-blowing sex during the workweek?
A: How many times can you have sex in the same position, in the same room, without it becoming boring? How often do you skip sex because you are just too tired or stressed to make time for it?
The reason why vacation sex is so good, is that it changes the dynamics of your ordinary sex life. But mind-blowing sex during the workweek is a possibility if you make the time for it. Take elements from your vacation and bring them home. For example, if you have intense periods of foreplay while away, have them in your bedroom too. Sex suffers during the week because our heads get in the way. If we can ignore the stresses of our daily lives and focus on pleasure, then home sex will be just as good as vacation sex.
Q: Does a clitoris become erect, too? How can I help it along? How is it similar to/different from the penis?
A: Remember when your sex-ed teachers told you that boys only got erections? Well they didn’t tell you the truth. Girls are capable of having erections, although not to the same extent (or size) as you. If you ever wondered how similar men and women really are, consider this: The penis and the clitoris are analogous organs. They come from the same structures that develop in utero. One more X chromosome (and one less Y) and you too could have a clitoris. Which is why, when we get hot and bothered, we respond in similar ways. Both the clitoris and penis are made up of spongy erectile tissue that when engorged, causes an erection. If that weren’t enough, both organs contain concentrated clusters of nerve endings, but the majority of these in the male are in the head of the penis, not the shaft. Perhaps the only difference (other than size) is that girls have one up on you in this department. Whereas your penis is a multipurpose body part, the clitoris’ only purpose is pleasure. If you want to see this female erection, stimulate the clitoris using the body part of your choice. Eventually, you will see it peek out of its hood. I’ll assume you already know how to find the male erection.
Q: My girlfriend says her breasts are too big to have sensitive nipples. Is this possible? Am I just touching them wrong? Do some girls have less sensitive nipples? What is it about the biology of the breast that dictates how and when they should be touched?
A: The amazing thing about breasts is that no two pairs are alike. Sometimes no two breasts (even on the same woman) respond to touch in identical ways. There are some girls who become incredibly aroused almost to the point of climax when their nipples are stimulated. Then there are others who will not be turned on by whatever technique you’re trying. Even that "time of the month" may change a woman’s sensitivity. Under the breast there are many nerve endings. Where these nerves are densely concentrated, there is heightened sensitivity regardless of breast size. Typically, women’s nipples are sensitive for their biological potential. (After a woman gives birth, stimulation of the nipples releases hormones, which in turn produces breast milk.) The bottom line is that the best way to see what a woman likes is to play Columbus (or Columbo) and explore her body with a multitude of touches and sensations, soft strokes, firm massaging, nibbles, bites, licks, and the like. You’ll soon find out what kind of nerves lay beneath her breasts.